If you are currently suffering from an eating disorder, this post might be triggering for you. Please proceed with caution and know that you are amazing just the way you are!
I’ve been really sentimental lately. With my college days coming to a fast close (one week!), I have definitely been taking some time to reflect on the highlights – the ups and downs, if you will – of my college career. My recovery from anorexia nervosa took place during my college years. I’ve never gone into complete detail about it but I figured now would be good a time as any – to close one chapter of college with my story.
When I entered college, I was not at Framingham State University. I began at the University of Massachusetts Amherst and, in hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best idea. I was very sick with my eating disorder and totally lost. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. I instinctively chose to major in journalism because I knew that writing was a strong suit of mine – but I didn’t really know if it was my passion.
I’m not the partying type (never really was) and I knew that UMass Amherst was notorious for that. I gave it a whirl thinking it would broaden my horizons and open me up to the real me…the “new” me. Little did I know, it would only feed my eating disorder. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t and trying to fit in with people I didn’t really mesh with. I made myself feel insecure and worthless, and tried numbing it with under eating, overexercising, and binge drinking on the weekends.
The first semester of my second year, I was threatened with being kicked out of school if I didn’t take the necessary precautions to get healthy. I hated everything about that. I hated that I had lost complete control of everything in my life. So. Much. Hate.
Nevertheless, I took recovery into my own hands. It was very, very hard. When you are malnourished and sick with an eating disorder, gaining weight seems like the worst thing in the world. You start to possess things a woman should posses, like boobs and a butt. Getting them back was so strange. I was so uncomfortable with my new body. But I trudged onwards. I added sunflower seeds to my salads and nut butter to my apples.
And you know what? It wasn’t so bad. I got my glow back!
That was my last year at UMass. I decided to turn over a new leaf and apply to FSU’s nutrition program. Nutrition was always my passion but I was always intimidated by the incredibly taxing courses. No more! I was ready to conquer the world.
Well, I fooled myself.
My first year at Framingham, I relapsed – and it was awful. I felt like I had “undone” all of the hard work and dedication I had put into recovery. I started seeing my therapist again, and she really helped me. She asked me how I felt and I told her that I felt ugly and worthless, all of the things that my eating disorder wanted me to be. She asked me if I wanted to remain feeling that way and I told her, “No.” Something clicked, and I began my second recovery process. It was much easier this time around – I think because I was starting to figure out what I wanted to do with my life (nutrition and writing), and I knew that I couldn’t do it with an eating disorder. I stopped my destructive behaviors and started journaling more often.
And you know what? I got my glow back again!
When I was sick with my eating disorder, there wasn’t a light inside of me. My light was clouded by my self-hatred. During recovery, I had good and bad days – days when I loved myself and days when I hated myself. Now, I love myself, I deserve to be loved, and I have a light - just like every one of us.
It’s still hard. Certain things still haunt me. My period is irregular and my eating disorder voice creeps in from time to time. But I know how to handle it now. I need to do what’s right for me. That’s why I wrote this post. We always need to follow our hearts – otherwise we lose sight of what’s important to us. We also need to look forward to new adventures with determination. We need to push ourselves outside of our comfort zones – past the point in which that voice inside of you says, “You can’t!” Why? Because YOU CAN.
YOU deserve love. YOU deserve to be loved. YOU have a light! Let it shine, baby!
Stay lovely,
Heather
P.S. – Click here for a closer look into how veganism saved me from my eating disorder and click here for my guest post on Gena’s blog for her Green Recovery series.
I really love that quote and just pinned it
Good for you for being so forthright about your journey. You’re a role model for so many people, Heather!
Thank you, Nicole! You’re so sweet.
xoxo
Absolutely beautiful
Thanks, Kris! Love you.
Veganism has most definitely saved me. I’m so glad you wrote this post today, I’ve had a bit of a down day, one thing after another so nice to hear some beautiful words of wisdom!
Aww, Michelle! I’m sorry you’ve have a “down” day and I’m so happy to hear this post lifted your spirits. I’m always here for you, girlfriend! You’re amazing – and your photos still make me drool.
Beautiful post. These things are important to talk about and I’m glad you have worked to get to such a wonderful place as college ends for you.
Thanks so much, Sara. I couldn’t agree more we totally need to talk about these things. SO many women are going through it and are ashamed to talk but talking is the only way out. You rock, sista!
Thanks for being so honest! Relapsing is something I’ve always been ashamed of- how could I put myself through it again??- but it helps so much to have someone else talk about it! So thanks
Kate, you can always talk to me – I’m just an email away! Relapsing doesn’t make us failures – it’s how we handle it and the steps we take to conquer it. I know that it is sooo easier said than done but you CAN do it! Anytime you need an ear to listen, I’m here. <3
I’m glad you shared your story! And I’m also glad that you got your glow back
You look lovely!!!
Thank you, Liz! You’re a gem.
Heather, you truly have a way with words! What a beautiful post. You never cease to inspire us! It’s so true that we can accomplish anything we set our minds to if we really believe in ourselves!
Thank you SO much for your sweet words, Brittany. You’re such a loyal reader and friend over here and I can’t tell you how much it means to me! <3 xoxo
Aw girl, no problem! You deserve every single compliment you get! I’ve been so impressed and touched by how supportive the blogging community is!
I love YOU!
Very brave of you to open up and also to admit that you still have some things that haunt you, but I know you will overcome it all and be completely haunt free, hehe!!!
I am so glad you are going to jump on me when you see me, I already planned that and now it won’t seem creepy now that I know you are ok with it! Haha!
Love ya!
Hahahahaha. JUMP ON IT!!!
Wow, incredible post. Thanks for posting this, I’ve never dealt with an eating disorder but have many friends that have & it’s not easy. Your post is encouraging in so many ways; I love it!
Thank you, Carolina! It’s a nasty battle but overcoming it has proven to be one of the most gratifying things in the world. Your comment seriously warmed my heart – thank you so much!
This post is so inspiring. You are so amazing, dear!!! Going through recovery in the college years is very rough especially being away from home. Sometimes the threat of losing your regular routine (living at school, etc) is enough to force you into the determined mindset needed to recover. I’m so happy to see that you are in such an amazing, confident place.
Thank you, Cait!!! I love you; your support means everything to me, friend.
Your strength and courage are inspiring. Enjoy these last few days of college, I still look back at mine so fondly!!
Thank you, Leah! I really appreciate that.
Beautiful post, Heather you are so inspiring! Thanks for sharing your story
Thanks so much, Meredith. You’re such a great person! We’re almost DONE!
You are such an inspiration! I love this quote, as someone else who has recovered from an ED with the help of finding veganism, your blog is such a pleasure for me to read. Your energy and spirit are so uplifting, and the positivity in your posts never fails to make me smile!
Kim, I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me. You are an incredible person! Thank YOU for making my heart sing!
Heather, I commend you for writing this beautiful and inspiring post. As someone who for so long struggled with this unbearable possibility that I may have an eating disorder. This yearn to be perfect and never being enough which had fueled my eating disorder(feels awful to say it) was the same reason for me not wanting to admit it. Admitting that I may have a fault was scary. There was more to hate, more faults to dwell in. I couldn’t recognize that the ability to accept an imperfection would be another strength to add to my character. This was post was not at all triggering, just a stunning depiction of a disturbed, but beautiful mind. Thank You Heather, not just for writing this post, but for your e-mails that have helped me to find a bit more power within myself each day. It hurts to write the words, “I am beautiful,” because there is still that part of me that feels that that is a lie. Just as you were brave in writing this post, I will be brave and say the words, I am beautiful.
Wow, Maddy. This comment is incredible. You are so brave and so strong to write those words. Look at how far you have come! Just to write those words on a public platform…you wouldn’t have done that two months ago. You’re amazing!!!
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing your story. I’ve watched a friend struggle with anorexia and it’s such a heart breaking disease, even more so when I feel helpless as I watch her struggle. It’s inspiring to see how hard you’ve worked in overcoming your ED and I feel hopeful after reading this. She’s currently working towards her recovery and doing a great job!
Lea, I’m so happy you found comfort in this post…I’m praying for your friend. I know how difficult recovery is but she is so strong and incredible – she can do it! <3 xoxo
You are amazing!! I’m fourteen had a very similar struggle with anorexia. Recovered now(: stay strong babe!! ED is a jerk! You don’t need him!!