Howdy ho, rangers! 
<*Your response is here*>
Sorry, I’ve got Dave Coulier on the brain. Matty and I listened to a great 2011 podcast of him on You Made it Weird with Pete Holmes. It was so strange hearing Joey Gladstone’s voice not acting like Joey Gladstone. Anywho, that is totally not the point of this post. Back to reality!
Workout
I took it easier today while still working up a sweat and it felt great! I started off with the Bikini Booty and Bikini Abs routines from the Tone It Up Beach Babe DVD and ended with some chest flyes and chest presses. All I needed was 30 minutes! I’m developing a go-with-the-flow relationship with exercise and I’ll be vlogging about that, along with an update on the bod pod, very soon!
After my workout, I enjoyed breakfast and got some work done before heading to an eye doctors appointment. My eyes are healthy but my bank account is not. Seventy dollars for an eye appointment?! OUCH.
Lunch
When I arrived home from my appointment, I was READY for lunch. I threw a Hemp & Sage Sunshine burger in the toaster and assembled a raw salad of spinch, kale, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, and sauerkraut.
After placing the Sunshine burger on top of the greens, I topped it with a dollop of hummus and a generous drizzle of Annie’s Lemon & Chive vinaigrette. Divine! Now, I’m almost out of sauerkraut (sacrelige).
I Am Not the Best
While I was in school studying nutrition, I felt so much pressure (most of it internal) to be the best. Because I wasn’t going to become an RD like many of the other students, I felt like I had to prove myself. “Well, if I get awesome grades,” I thought, “then I’ll be able to show others that I’m not less intelligent for not becoming an RD.” I thought it would cancel out the fact that I wasn’t going to complete my dietetic internship. I spent a lot of time and energy focusing on being the best and getting ahead of the game. Looking back on those five years, I know that my internal guide was telling me not to become an RD for a reason. There was something else out there calling me to abandon that path for something else that would allow me to not be the best but to be my own personal best.
I kind of ignored that until this summer and, especially this past Sunday, when I took a walk and just breathed and listened.
This “be the best” mentality is something that I held throughout my entire life, and I know many of you are probably familiar with it too. I always wanted to be the best instead of achieving my personal best. There is a distinct difference between the two.
Throughout elementary, middle, and high school, I would pine to be a part of the “in” crowd. I remember, during my junior year, I started to change the way I dressed and opted for a more bohemian-inspired style and made the slow transition into veganism (so me, right?). This was something that felt very natural to me. There was this one group of girls who would snicker, laugh, point, and discuss my latest outfit almost on a daily basis. They mocked my lifestyle choices because they believed I was some sort of poser. I know this because I heard them and felt their negative energy daily. Little did they know, I was also suffering from anorexia. Now, six years later, two of these girls are daily readers of my blog. Funny how things work out, huh? They’re lovely women.
These experiences and encounters in high school only fueled my desire to be the best (impossible!) and channel all of my energy into self-destructive behaviors. I overshadowed my potential by obsessing over thinness – another manifestation of “being the best.” Recovering has taught me this ever-evolving and freeing process of surrendering. I say this prayer of surrender every day:
Once we believe this, we are on our way to getting out of our own way. Instead of trying to become our worst enemy, we can become our own best friend. A situation we might have formerly viewed as a failure now becomes an opportunity. If we’re working hard and with good intentions, the reason something doesn’t work out is because we are meant to go in a different direction. Our internal guide is telling us something – and that something will take us on the road towards becoming our personal best and becoming that amazing vessel of love for others. Try saying the above prayer (or meditation if prayer ain’t yo thang) and follow it up with this…
Breathe. Listen. Dream it. See it. Reach for it. Grab it. Love it. Live it. J’adore la vie.
Stay lovely,
Heather
Howdy Ho Ranger Joe!
Beautiful post sweetheart. I’m in tears! One of the greatest (but hardest) things about recovery for me has been the development of my ability to listen to and trust my inner guide. It seems like I’m meant to transform totally and completely from the person I was pre and during my ED years. I was resistant to change for a long time in the early stages of my recovery because I was so scared of drifting into “Averageness”. Right now, I have no idea the direction my life is about to take, but I know that its going to be something I never would have imagined for myself even 6 months ago (and certainly not 3 or 5 years ago!). For the first time, I’m not scared of that. You’re exactly right–this life isn’t about being the best, being perfect, being and ideal. Its about living the best life you possibly can by truly being the your best self. Its such a fine distinction, but a very important one. Thanks for sharing, and good luck with everything. (PS I LOVE your style. Just sayin’).
AHH yes! You responded to my Full House reference. LOVE IT.
This comment is so, so, so thoughtful and special. I know that, as you deepen your recovery process, you will grow and learn so much about yourself. You have a gorgeous soul, my sister!
Inspiring and as usual your posts speak to me, BB! You know I’m constantly pressuring myself to be the best. But I’m learning and have learned that best is not best and best does NOT equal happy. I need to be my OWN best, just like you became your own best when you decided to say poo-poo to the popular kids and be your lovely vegan boho self! I used to want to be “in” with that crowd too…I remember wishing I’d be invited to sit in the back of the bus in middle school, because that’s where all the popular kids sat. Then in high school when I rode the bus, all that kinda melted away and I realized I’d rather sit up front anyway so that I can get off/on quickly
wow that took a funny tangent! I’m gonna end this rambling comment with a big old <333
All I have to say is…I LOVE YOU. <3
Love, love, love. I am always trying to be “perfect” but it is just not possible. That doesn’t make me happy to perceive myself as something that nobody is, it simply make you unreleatable. I definitely tried to get with the “in” crowd, but was pretty much a nobody in hight school, I went to SO many different high schools, I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere.
Whatever;) now it doesn’t matter at all!
Also sorry about our skype date today!!! I got called into work…when shall we talk next? I miss you!!!xox
Amen, amen, amen. I FEEL you, Lisa. <3 You’re so amazing. I just want to hug you forever. It’s okay – let’s reschedule for next week! How is Monday?
beautiful….that is all!
Thanks, babe!
I love everything about this post Heather! I think I just need to reread some of your posts on a daily basis because they are so true to the person I want to become! I struggle so much with always wanting to be the “best” and find that I am constantly let down and judging everything I do or am as a failure when in fact I am doing the best I can and that is enough! Love this post so much! I can’t thank you enough for your words! Keep writing girl!
Danielle, you CAN become and WILL become the person you WANT to be! I know it. You have such a kind, beautiful heart. Never let anyone tell you otherwise! xoxo
This was a really, really great post! I need to print it out and hang it on my bathroom mirror! (okay, not all of it – but the last part!)
Madison (love your name!), I can’t tell you how much that means to me. I’m so glad you found some solace in it.
You really nailed it – what a difference between being the best and achieving your personal best. I like that thought and am going to incorporate it into my goals. Thank you! xoxo
That means so much to me, Linz! It’s such a great reminder, huh? xoxo
You always have a way of writing posts that directly relate to everything I’m feeling and experiencing. It’s kind of amazing. I’ve dealt with the same desire to always be the “best” my entire life and, to be honest, it’s exhausting. Over the past few months I’ve been focusing on LIVING and embracing all of life’s imperfections. I’m not always going to be the best and that’s okay. Always putting my best foot forward is all that matters. (:
And I can’t wait for your vlog about exercise! I’ve really relaxed my workout routine recently too and my body couldn’t be happier- it sounds like you feel the same!
xoxox
Emilyyy! You’re so darn sweet. So glad you’re embracing life and whatever it brings to you, which will obviously be amazing things. It’s so inspiring to see you living your dreams!
[...] the Love of Kale~I am Not the Best: Heather had some really great posts this week that I could really relate too! This one is all [...]