When I first began welcoming more nutrient-dense foods into my diet, I was a total basket case. I remember, while I was at school, freaking out at the salad bar as I stood in front of the small bin of sunflower seeds. The scoop that rested in the middle of the seeds was “too big” and I was so afraid of measuring out more than the “appropriate” serving size. Then, I remembered that I’d drizzled some oil-based vinaigrette on my salad just a moment before. Two fat servings on a salad? AW, HELL NO! I put the sunflower seed scoop down and made my way back to the table where I would be eating.
After finishing my meal, my friends and I chatted for a few minutes and I was still hungry. “If I’d only just sprinkled sunflower seeds onto my salad,” I thought, “I wouldn’t be so hungry right now.” I hated being hungry. Hunger was the enemy. In my mind, if I allowed myself to reach the point of hunger, I was a failure – especially now, at the advent of my recovery journey.
This created unspeakable anxiety inside of me. Even writing this story now, I can literally feel the anxiety I once felt. Like it was yesterday. Thankfully, this scenario wasn’t yesterday. It is three years later. I am recovered, strong, and more-than-happy to add seeds onto a salad, regardless of whether there’s already a substantial fat source on my plate. I love fats and enjoy them every day.
At the time, my fear of being hungry was so crippling. I knew that recovery would not work if I didn’t try to change my perception of hunger. When I became hungry, I would take a deep breath and ask myself the simple question, “What is hunger?” I would gently remind myself that my body was my friend and that hunger was its sidekick, encouraging me to honor the simple sensation. “The more I honor my hunger, the more I become BFFs with my bod pod,” I said to myself.
When I began to view hunger as a way to honor my body instead of a tool I formerly used to destroy my body, my perception if hunger began to change.
Of course, if I was to honor hunger, that also meant the eventual feeling of satisfaction after a meal. Satisfaction was another doozy. When I felt satisfied, I would tell myself that I ate too much. I would allow fear to tell me that satiety = feeling full = failure. Why? Because I had become accustomed to feeling empty – literally and physically. Satisfaction was so uncomfortable to me because it was the exact opposite of how I’d been trying to feel. I was seeking fulfillment in emptiness; seeking fulfillment in controlling my hunger instead of recognizing that hunger was connected to me. Hunger unites us with our bodies – but I was resistant to being united with my body. I was trying to work against it. I was getting in my own way.
Soon, I realized that my body wasn’t just this thing that runs on fuel. My body is a container. My body needs to be filled with fuel in order to operate. When I fill my body with fuel, my body can then hold space for its true purpose: to hold love, which I can then pour out to everyone I meet, everyone I talk to, and with everything I do.
The more I honored my body as a vessel through which I express love, the more I listened to my hunger cues and the more I believed that hunger was a sensation that united me with my body.
Stay lovely,
Heather
So proud and inspired by you Heather. I resonate with that anxiety (also in the past for me) and spending a long time not knowing how to feel satisfied. One of the things I found so empowering was seeing food as more than just food – it is culture, experience, family, sharing…as well as fuel to our precious vessels of love.
xoxo
AMEN, sister. Amen. Amen. Amen. I love your words! They always resonate with me so much.
I love this post, Heather. I love your honesty and openness with your readers.
While I have not had such anxieties, I did previously work at a center for adolescent girls and adult women with ED. Through some of the things you have explained about your previous anxieties, fears and victories, I have learned a lot more about ED and feel much more educated about it! Again, thank you for sharing your experiences with us; while I can’t relate to all it, I enjoy learning from you.
Thank you, girl! It’s the only way to be. You gotta be real to heal! God bless you for working with those women. I’m sure you were such an inspiration and light to them! Love ya girl.
Love this post Heather. I know what you mean! Went through sort of the same thing. It was only when I connected with my body and heard it out did I completely fall in love with myself. You GO GIRL ! You truly are a Warrior Woman
This.Post.Is.Awesome! You rock, I need to remember this more often as I hate being hungry as well. The feeling of satiety from “good” foods is amazing & I need to recognize that I need the fuel!
YOU ROCK, sister.
This post totally resonates with how I often feel and what I am trying to change. Thank you for helping me see that my goal is attainable!
I know you know I can relate to this! Hunger is just…I have a relationship with it that I’m continuously working to change. My therapist and I discuss how I feel as if I need to feel a certain level of hunger to feel ‘deserving’ of enjoying each meal, or certain foods like fats or carbs. This statement, every time I say or write it, is ridiculous. I know it’s not true but that loud ego voice shouts the lies at me (since they’re lies) and I have to work to hear that quiet but steadfast truth. Hunger is NOT how I define what I can and cannot do. Hunger instead is a message from my body asking me to fuel it so that it can continue to hum along spreading love for all. How can I focus on being my best self if I can’t stop thinking about the fats I should have added to my meal, because I’m not satisfied?
This post plus Meg’s yesterday about the “f word” have really been well timed today, BB. thank you!
This is an incredible story. I’ve struggled with this too. Oh, you mean there’s already butter on the pasta? Okay, skip the fats on something else. Now, I’m learning to eat before I even FEEL hunger, which is even scarier, but it’s so important and I’m so much happier because of it. Food should be enjoyable and taste good. It’s not supposed to be something you fear and that’s something I’m learning every day.
Nice way to put it! I sometimes find myself alwayssss hungry…if I try to avoid it, it just gets worse. When that happens I try to find out what nutrients my body is missing.
I wish I had this post 3 years ago for me! Such a beautiful way to put things into perspective Heather and I know you are going to help a lot of people better understand hunger through this post. I can’t wait to share it! I’ve continuously battled my hunger forever and what beautiful words to stop this battle
Thanks Heather!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have to admit, as I was reading this this morning, I really felt like I could relate. Now, having finished a huge lunch of steamed sweet potato, brussel sprouts, beans, and avocado, I’m quite full and feeling a little guilty. And all I can think about is this post and how I shouldn’t feel guilty because I had a healthy lunch.
This post definitely helped me to see things differently and slowly but surely I’ll get past these thoughts.
Way to get your shit out there, Brittany! Keep being kind to yourself. You only have good intentions. <3
What a freaking beautiful post! OH MY GOD sis – write a book already!
hahahahaha. …long term goal.
I really need to think more about what hunger truly means. I do abuse it all too often and eat all too quickly without allowing my body and brain to process what I’ve eaten. Wise words, lady.
Wow, way to be so honest, Linz! You’re amazing. I MISS THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.
Yes, yes and yes! I was hungry and unsatisfied pretty much from the age of 16 until graduating from college. Most of all, I was “guilty” and that is the emotion I am most proud of overcoming!
I still remember my college roommate would make me extra comfort food and sneak me little bites because she knew I was STARVING on the inside even though I said I was “fine” or “I already ate dinner” on the outside. I have so many similar stories as it consumed most of my young adulthood. I am SO SO happy to be in the place I am today. And for that I am grateful!
I love this post, it is so beautifully written (like all of your posts!) I recall these feelings that I experienced years ago, even though they feel like just yesterday…my hunger and satiety cues were so out of whack that I could not determine anything I was feeling. I was in such a disconnect with my own body that I had no inner peace, only anxiety, guilt and shame. Not only is it amazing to now be able to listen to my body’s cues, but to see all of the extraordinary things my body can do! Love you girl!
YES! EUREKA! You inspire me, Kristen. I miss you!!!
This is a beautiful post, Heather, and every word of it resonates deeply with me. Like you, I spent years trying to control my hunger, hoping that it would somehow make me feel more whole–more complete. Yet it did just the opposite. I was empty, sad, and frustrated with myself for “failing.” Even today, I occasionally turn to food (or lack thereof) when I’m feeling as though my life is spinning. However my recent efforts to add muscle and weight to my body have forced me to let go of that outlet–I’m always physically satisfied, which means I have more time to seek spiritual satisfaction.
YAY!!! I love this, Sara. You constantly inspire me, babes.
Oh, Thank you so much for this post!
I go through this struggle everyday. Every meal I contemplate, every time I add fats I find my self justifying my actions of limiting the carbohydrates and vise-versa. Then afterwards I regret my actions, and get so angry at myself. I know at the time that I’m doing the wrong thing, yet do it anyway! I can’t wait to be in your position, its a working progress..day by day meal by meal.
Love your blog! <3
KEEP TRUCKIN, Melanie. Be kind to yourself. You are amazing!
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