As you may or may not know, this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week. Last year, I talked about intimacy. This year, I’m talking about jeans. Yes, jeans
On Monday evening, I was rummaging through my dresser drawers trying to decide on what to wear for the next day. As I sifted through my (read: endless) pile of jeans, I found a pair of light-wash jean leggings at the bottom of the pile. I hadn’t worn them in quite some time. In fact, the last time I’d worn them I was still knee-deep in my eating disorder.
I remember it so clearly. I would restrict during the day and try to eat “perfectly,” only to binge at night because of all the foods I had been denying myself throughout the day. “No” was a prominent word in my vocabulary. Have you ever noticed how often you tell yourself no? Anyways, I wanted to wear said pair of jeans because…well…they’re damn cute. I held them up and, to me, the waist looked a bit smaller than mine. “I wonder if these will fit me?” I said. I shrugged and and laid them out with a sweater and decided I’d try them on in the morning. Then, I crawled into bed and started my evening meditation.
Just as I was slipping into sleep, it dawned on me. That small encounter with those jean leggings was something to be celebrated. Why? Because I truly didn’t care if the jeans fit me – so much so that I didn’t feel the need to try them on. If they fit, great. If they don’t, great. There are plenty of other jeans in my drawer. Regardless of whether the jeans fit me or not, it doesn’t change who I am. I don’t need anything outside of myself (clothes, food, money, exercise, etc.) to make me feel good enough. This seemingly small encounter with a pair of jeans is such a beautiful moment because it really sums up the essence of recovery:
Let this be your mantra today. If you feel insecurity or self-doubt sneaking in, repeat those words to yourself. “I unconditionally love and accept myself.” The self that is you is not your body. It is not your jean size. It is not anything outside of yourself. The self that is you is a vibration of love, which you give and express to the world in your own way.
Stop for a second and take three deep breaths. Relax. Repeat that mantra to yourself. What does it feel like to unconditionally love and accept yourself? If you’re not sure, what do you imagine it to feel like? There is no right or wrong answer. Just allow that feeling to penetrate your entire body. Repeat your mantra: “I unconditionally love and accept myself.”
See? All you had to do was remind yourself to come back home.
Stay lovely,
Heather
P.S. – Don’t forget to sign up for Monday evening’s VIRTUAL barre class with me! It’s going to ROCK your world. xo
Wow Heather this is awesome!
You have come so far. I had an acceptance moment this morning and I thought of you
This is such a powerful message. It’s so hard to get out of that mindset that smaller is better, that body hate. The face that you were able to just casually go to sleep without caring if the jeans fit speaks volumes. Unconditional love is that last piece of the puzzle that I need to remind myself of when life gets hard. Thanks for the reminder!
Everything Sarah said, I second it! Well put!
How wonderful that you didn’t care that they fit! When I started my recovery one of the first things my therapist made me do was throw out my jeans. Because sometimes we use jeans and clothes as a “scale” and if something fits or not for some reason meant we succeeded or failed. She also told me those jeans should NOT fit me, so why did I want them too.
It was very refreshing to throw out all the jeans that I should not be wearing and it also helped me not being tempted to try them on. I also got to the point where I flat out didn’t care.
I love this and you are amazing!! Such an inspiration. I still need to let that thought go that I will feel good with something from the outside. Thes thoughts and habits are jard to break, but I will remember your mantra!
This is such a powerful story Heather! I’m so happy you are sharing this story because it is such an amazing accomplishment! I can’t wait for this experience to happen to me too and I know it will
This is wonderful Heather! I’m so proud of how far you’ve come, and how acceptance, love, and presence have been able to save your life. You inspire me with your power and beauty every day–your light shines so bright! Thanks for posting this–especially the mantra. Its one I need to come back to time and time again.
Love you!
Isn’t it odd when you step back and think about it!? Years ago, when I started to put on weight, I kept my “skinny” jeans because I thought, nope, I’m gonna get back down there. Only last year did I finally tell myself, nope – you will NEVER go there again and I was so thrilled about that revelation. Off to Goodwill they went.
You’ve come so far in your journey- not only with your physical health, but with your mental, spiritual, and emotional health as well. It’s absolutely beautiful.
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us along the way. You’ve served as a huge inspiration!
Beautiful. So inspiring with how far you’ve truly come. Such an inspiration to all of us; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s wonderful to see!
This was so wonderful to read. What a fantastic moment to have.